Missing Mammie

Mammie passed away in May of 1998. God, I miss her. In some ways, it just seems like yesterday. In others, it seems like forever. I still forget sometimes that she is gone, & I think to myself, "I need to call Mammie & tell her what the boys said." Then, I remember. And it sucks. Reality is a bummer some times, most times. I think everyone has in their minds the person they perceive themselves to be, & then one day someone says something, & you realize you aren't the person you thought you were. We all want to be strong & smart & fun & everything else to our children, but in reality, will my kids ever know me as a real person? I mean, if you show them that moms do cry, or get angry, & yes, cuss sometimes, does that mean that they think less of you? Do I as a mother need to strive to be "perfect" in my children's eyes so that when it's my time to go, they will remember me with love & respect, or can moms be human too? I found out some things about Mammie, things that happened to her during her lifetime that I had no idea about. Mammie was just Mammie. She would rock in her rocking chair, which I now have, & she would listen to country music, watch The Price Is Right, The Young & the Restless, & Guiding Light. She would make sure we had food to eat, & our clothes were clean. She always said that I was "born grown" & that I was her best friend. But what kind of best friend was I? She was in secret pain & I was oblivious to the fact until she was gone & it was too late. If I had known, could I have been a small comfort to her? Or would it have made me uncomfortable, because I would have had to be emotional with her? When I get to heaven, the first thing I want to do is hug her tight & tell her that I am sorry for not being her true best friend. And ask her forgiveness for living in my own reality & not saying goodbye before she passed, because I truly believed that Mammie would always be my rock. If I could go back, I would cherish every moment with her, & be more of what she needed, rather than taking her for granted. But, hind sight is 20/20. And besides, maybe she wanted it that way. One thing I know, I wish I had her back. But back to the question...I guess I should find a happy medium with my children, so they know me as a person, as well as their mom. I don't want them to have regrets when it is my time to go.